I'll be suprised

So this is my first post on here, I'll be suprised if anyone actually reads it.

In my quest for overall happiness in life, I've come to many roadblocks and speed bumps.. And they seem insurmountable at best.

For a woman that spends her time helping others to get past theirs, you'd think I'd be able to see a way around/through my own. So far, I've come up with nothing. Perhaps it is because I am emotionally attached to mine, or perhaps what works for one won't work for me.

I've spent countless hours pouring over the internet and through magazines, books, blogs, you name it, I've probably looked at it.

Is it possible that in looking for my solutions I've forgotten the problems? I've pondered that a few times, but no, the problems are there in glaring ugliness.

Take for instance my dire need to please everyone.. Complete strangers, family, friends. I thought for the longest time that this brought me happiness in my life and in some ways it does. I enjoy knowing that someone else can be happy in life. And to know that I've in some way impacted that makes me smile. I feel less insignificant in the world and more apart of it.

One of my other problems is lack of friends. Ok.. that's not entirely correct. .Let me rephrase that. My lack of a "best friend". Someone who truly is there for me whenever I need them and is willing to sit there and listen. I've found that my presence in life is far from commanding when I speak to others and I'm often ignored. When I was younger I didn't have the confidence to go and talk to people. The old adage "children should be seen and not heard" was me through and through. And now, I feel like I'm socially inept when it comes to people. I narrowed my studies so much that I forgot all other things beyond that subject and so I sit and listen in on conversations only occasionally asking questions.

And finally, one of my all time favorite things about me which is sad but true.... I crave the approval of others. And trust me, it could be something as small as someone saying thank you when I open the door for them. I suppose to tie in with that would be that if others have no expectations of me, I don't feel as if I have a purpose.

So yeah, there it is in a nutshell. My crazy whacked out thought process.. My funk.. my groove.. ultimately.. my wallow.